Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
won’t smith
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”