The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Do one person every day that scares you.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Danger is very dangerous
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.