Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
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I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.