ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Thinking about Jeff
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.