i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
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When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.