Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
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ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.