Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband: