I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
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If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente