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If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I’M CRYINGGG
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*