“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?