“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
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Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-