I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
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Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
My sex drive has a dui
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.