Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
the composer
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart