They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
My dog ate my work from home.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.