6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Every photo I’m tagged in
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I’m a self-made hundredaire
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
True freaking story!
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Need WebMD
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit