Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
You Might Also Like
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.