*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
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Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
True
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.