Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.