Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
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JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
just witnessed a drug deal
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie