I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.