Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
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“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Life hack
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”