Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me too
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.