OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
You Might Also Like
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
do what now??
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?