ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
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Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
the Monday after daylight savings
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?