I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
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what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Tell the colonel to bring it
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.