Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
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“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.