My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.