Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
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[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time