“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord