Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket