It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
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Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Lol
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.