The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
You Might Also Like
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.