Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
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Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.