Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.