Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
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imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?