It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel