[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
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wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer