People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.