*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
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If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Stick it to the man