Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
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The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
im 7 sauces long
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.