I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
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Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late