Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein