Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
You Might Also Like
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.