The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”