4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
“HELP WITH CAT”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.