Lmaooo she has seen it allπππππππππππ
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Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i donβt know what iβm doing
Me: Iβm terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Instead of intermittent fasting Iβve been trying intermittent eating and itβs working. Iβm rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Canβt believe no one else had it figured out yet.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
βLINES OF COKEβ is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Thursday
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Me: βI just want to do something spontaneous.β
Combustion: βWeβll see.β
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
just saw the barbie movie and itβs fantastic! i wonβt give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didnβt care what the weather was going to do
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: thatβs right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.