At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
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My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS