(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]