Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
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Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft