I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
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Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.